So this is where we live right now. It is a bit dreamy. Though the days seem chock full of activity, there is a fluidity to each day that feels loose, flowy, nurturing and calming. Brian and I have been helping with projects around my parents house, catching up with long missed friends and family and I have been pretty successful at meditating, exercising, working on various to dos for my new life coaching business and cooking each day.
Below is the two of us enjoying the 4th of July fireworks in Binghamton from my parents front lawn. We had a perfect view!
I have felt uncompelled to write here. There is a lot I have been sifting through in my mind (and body too I suppose) and I wasn't ready yet. I want to describe to you how it feels to be "home". It feels different. I feel different. I can tell that I was changed by this trip and I am in a different place now then where I was when I left. In some ways that is exhilarating and in some ways it is difficult. Change is always like that, isn't it? Powerful yet painful, empowering yet grief-laced, joyous but also melancholy. It is these dichotomies that play in my mind as I try to understand who"I " am now and where I am headed. I feel like my body and mind are both telling me that they are really ready to move on to somewhere and something quite different from what I had been doing and where I was living for the last 4 years. This is exciting but also sad. I am grateful I don't feel a longing to have my previous life, but at the same time, almost feel a strange guilt for not desiring the past.
I have always relished huge changes in my life with an almost unnatural vigor. Picking up and moving to too many places in too short a time, slashing through boyfriend after boyfriend, changing passions, plans and foci on a dime. But somehow, this cluster of changes I am experiencing now does not have that frenetic and impulsive energy. It is calm, controlled and nourishing. That is new for me. Picking up and moving to the desert, starting a whole new career and business on my own, re-believing in my need to sing and dedicating time every day to do it, these are all things that are big changes, but they feel gentle. Maybe that is one big way I know that I have changed.
These cute snakes cuddle together in the sun each day in a bush outside the front door.
The other thing is, I think in the past I would be pretty freaked right now. Our bank account is dwindling and Brian and I have no income as Brian works hard to secure a full time job. We are not sure how we are going to support ourselves until something comes through. But for some reason, I have this deep knowing that everything is going to be ok. Brian is going to get a job, I will find clients and we will be fine. I can envision this abundance rolling toward us like a loving cloud, and the old fears of scarcity are dissipating more and more every day. I truly believe in a positive, thriving bountiful future for us. What? Who is this new agey super positive girl? I guess it's me! And it feels great. New and strange, but great :)
I took an amazing Anusara yoga class today in Binghamton. I didn't even know they had a yoga studio here, let alone a beautiful and very active one. It was a treasure. The teacher was back for the first time in 4 and a half months because she had a tumor in her chest somewhere and had surgery that basically created a deep cut all the way down her sternum. This woman couldn't have been much older than me. She was so grateful to be back in that class, teaching from her heart, and she was teary numerous times during the class. Anusara is all about opening the heart, and each time she would demo a heart opening pose, I could tell it stimulated the healing going on in her chest, and her gratitude for her survival. It was beautiful to witness. She said to the class that she didn't need a "wake up call" as many acquaintances suggested (which caused her much frustration), that she was the happiest, most connected and fulfilled she had ever been in her life when the health issue started. But then on further reflection, she said that she realized she could always work to feel more and more alive. That was our goal for the class today, and I think that is my goal every day. I am making choices that are getting me there. I hope you are too :)